


decide on us

by likebrightness



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, POV Alex Danvers, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 12:17:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9071230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likebrightness/pseuds/likebrightness
Summary: Alex pulls the door open and—Maggie is stepping to her, immediately, reaching up and cupping Alex’s face, and Maggie is kissing her. Maggie is kissing her. Alex exhales into her mouth, and Maggie just breathes it in, just kisses her harder. Alex is still half-asleep, and she is woozy, feels like she’s swaying on her feet. Maggie is kissing her.





	

**Author's Note:**

> [decide on me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9071227) is Maggie's POV of the same story. both can be read as stand-alone fics.

 

 

Alex wakes up to pounding on her door. It can’t be Kara, who has a key and also could just come in through the window Alex always leaves unlocked. It’s not too late— Alex has only been asleep for about an hour, but she has no idea who it could be.

She wipes at her eyes as she shuffles to her door. She considers getting her gun, but figures if it was someone she should shoot, they probably wouldn’t be knocking. And then when she checks the peephole, it’s _Maggie_.

Alex pulls the door open and—

Maggie is stepping to her, immediately, reaching up and cupping Alex’s face, and Maggie is kissing her. Maggie is kissing her. Alex exhales into her mouth, and Maggie just breathes it in, just kisses her harder. Alex is still half-asleep, and she is woozy, feels like she’s swaying on her feet. Maggie is kissing her.

Alex thinks _wait_ , but her body doesn’t listen. She pulls Maggie closer, pushes the door closed behind her. They’re just friends, Alex reminds herself, but Maggie’s shoulders are against the door and her back is bowed, hips arching forward to press against Alex’s.

“God, Alex,” Maggie says. She sucks at the skin under Alex’s ear. Her breath is loud and warm.

“Wait,” Alex finally says. She holds Maggie’s hips down, gets dizzy with the thought of doing it in a different situation, holding her down on a bed, naked and— “Wait,” she says again. “What is going on?”

“I want—” Maggie says, and she sounds so _desperate_ , she sounds how Alex feels around her, all the time, and Alex feels hopeful. “Just one night, okay? That’s all I want.”

Alex’s hand drop to her sides. She steps back. Maggie’s body leans toward her for a moment, like she’s chasing Alex, before settling back against the door.

So much for hope. So much for being friends. So much for ever being able to be around Maggie without being in pain, because Alex can’t imagine that happening again.

“Are you kidding me?” Alex says.

Maggie tilts her head at her. “No?”

“All you want is one night?” Alex can feel the tears already, can feel the rock inching up her throat from her chest. “One night with me?”

Maggie nods. “I don’t— yes. That would be enough.”

Alex actually laughs. She laughs, because what the fucking hell else is she supposed to do? It bubbles out, but it doesn’t even sound like her, it doesn’t sound like a laugh, even, it sounds _broken_ , and that’s fair, she figures, because that’s how she feels.

“Well, I’m glad one night would be enough for you, Maggie, and then we could just go back to being friends because you had gotten what you wanted from me.”

Alex wishes Maggie were still in the hallway, wishes she could shut the door on her and be gone. Instead, Maggie’s still looking at her like she doesn’t understand what Alex is saying.

“What?” Maggie says.

Alex shakes her head. “I can’t believe you,” she says. “I can’t believe you care so little about me that you’re doing this.”

“Alex, I—”

“No.”

“I don’t care so little about you,” Maggie says. “I care so _much_ about you. And that’s why I want—”

“That’s why you want to fuck me once and then be done with me?”

Maggie blinks at her. “Alex, that’s not—”

“That’s exactly what you’re saying.” Alex’s voice actually cracks, and she hates herself for it. “You only want one night with me. Well, too bad, Maggie. I’m not so obsessed with you I’m just going to let you use me like that. Go find some alien at the bar if you need an orgasm that badly.”

Alex wants Maggie out of her apartment. But she can’t be in the same room with her for another second, can’t open the door or tell her to go or anything. She just turns and leaves, leaves Maggie standing in the middle of her living room, drunk and apparently horny and _fuck_ , Alex wishes she had never figured herself out. She wishes she didn’t know what it was like to feel this. She leaves Maggie in her living room, goes into her bedroom and locks the door without looking back.

She leans her head against the door, looks up in an attempt to fight gravity, but when she blinks, tears run down her cheeks anyway. She slides to the floor.

“Alex.”

Maggie’s voice is far away, like she’s still in the living room. Alex _hates_ her.

She hears footsteps, and even though she knows it’s not what’s happening, she hopes Maggie is leaving. Instead, there’s a knock on her bedroom door.

“Alex?” Maggie is even quieter now. Alex doesn’t hate her any less.

“Go away.”

“No, Alex, this isn’t what I meant. I—”

“You didn’t mean to be _cruel_?” Alex’s breath hiccups and she curses at herself.

“I didn’t realize how it would sound. Alex, please.”

“Oh so you didn’t mean to be cruel, just unthinking. Just so focused on how drunk and horny you were, no thoughts at all about how I might fucking feel.” Alex wipes her face. “Get out of my apartment, Sawyer.”

“I didn’t come here because I was horny.” Maggie’s voice is so, so close, like she’s leaning against the door.

Alex laughs again. The sound is hollow. “No? Why else did you want to come over at midnight and ask to fuck me?”

“I wanted to know what it was like,” Maggie says, so quietly Alex almost doesn’t hear her. “I know I don’t— God, I wanted to kiss you again. To know what it was like to really kiss you. Just once. Just to know what it was like. Even though you’re not— we’re not— even though I can’t have you. I just wanted to know.”

What?

Alex swallows. The lump is still tight in her throat, but this— Maggie’s explanation is— if Alex is understanding her right— which, she might not be, she doesn’t really know what’s going on, she just woke up and this doesn’t really make sense, but— if she is understanding Maggie right, this is an entirely different conversation than she thought it was. She stands up, looks at the door for a moment. Her heart hurts. Her _entire body_ aches, really. But what Maggie might be saying… Alex makes a decision.

When she opens the door, Maggie almost falls through it. It’s all Alex can do not to catch her. Even now, face still wet with tears _because of Maggie_ , Alex wants to protect her, wants to make sure she doesn’t get hurt. Maggie catches herself, instead, stands in front of Alex looking at the ground.

“What do you mean?” Alex says.

Maggie shrugs, still doesn’t look at her.

“Maggie.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh for fuck’s— you don’t get to come over in the middle of the night and kiss me and say all this— _stuff_ that you said and then decide you don’t want to talk about it.” Alex tries to keep her voice down. “What do you mean?”

“I mean what I said,” Maggie glances at her, then back down.

“What do you mean you can’t have me?”

Maggie rolls her eyes. “I can’t,” she says. “You are… you’re you, and I— we’re friends. I know that. But I got drunk and I just— God, Alex, I’ve already said this.”

“Say it again,” Alex demands. “You’re not making sense.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Maggie says. “You obviously don’t want to— I’ll just go.”

She does. She heads for the door, and even though that’s exactly what Alex wanted two minutes ago, it’s not anymore. Alex follows her, gets in front of her before she can leave.

“No,” Alex says.

“Alex, _please_.”

“Why can’t you have me?”

Maggie hangs her head. “You barely know me. If you did, you wouldn’t want to date me. It’s not a big deal.” She looks up at Alex, smiles weakly. “I am really happy to be your friend.”

“I don't want to be your fucking friend.”

Maggie’s eyes widen.

“I want to be _with_ you, Maggie.”

Maggie shakes her head. “You think that, but you don't know. When you get to know me—”

“I know you,” Alex says. “I do, and I want to know you better and one night isn't enough for me.”

Maggie sighs.

“Why don't you want to be with me?”

“I _do_ ,” Maggie says. “I do, because you're _amazing_ , Alex. But I’m just a cop with baggage. And if I wasn’t the first lesbian you ever met,” Alex rolls her eyes but Maggie isn’t deterred, “you’d realize that. And you deserve so much better.”

“Bullshit,” Alex says, because it is. “No one deserves anything, Maggie. That’s not how the world works.” Alex’s entire life is evidence of that. She’d done nothing wrong to deserve her father dying, done nothing right enough to deserve a sister as good as Kara. When she deserved the least, when she was messing up and on the edge of flunking out, that’s when she got the best job offer. Things happen and it has nothing to do with deserving anything. “I didn’t deserve to have my life overturned by a thirteen year old crashing into it when I was just a teenager myself, but Kara is the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t deserve to spend so long completely in the dark about— about— about a big part of who I am. But I did. It happened whether I deserved it or not.”

“That doesn’t mean you should actively choose something that isn’t good enough for you. I—”

“You are good enough for me!” Alex actually shouts it, and Maggie’s shocked into silence. “You are _so good_ . And it’s not just because I’m fresh off the boat or _whatever_. I don’t like a lot of people either, okay? But you are strong and smart and you make me laugh all the time and I feel warm whenever I’m around you, and if you want to talk about deserving things, I think I deserve that. I deserve to be happy and so do you.”

“You do deserve to be happy, Alex,” Maggie says. “Which is why you shouldn’t be with an insensitive, hard-headed, obsessed with work, borderline sociopath.”

“You don’t get to decide what would make me happy,” Alex snaps. “And you don’t get to talk about yourself like that, either. Your ex was shitty, okay? And stupid and _blind_. You aren’t anything she said about you. You are driven and passionate and so sensitive it’s hard to believe sometimes. Even now, you think you’re doing what’s best for _me;_  you’re being an idiot about this because you’re trying to make me happy.”

“I’m not being an idiot.”

“You are,” Alex says.

“No, you’re just not listening to me.”

“You're right,” Alex says. She is done fighting with her about this. Maggie is drunk, and Alex doesn’t know how to get her to listen. She needs to convince Maggie to try, to give her a chance, and it’s not going to happen tonight, she can tell. “I'm not. Because you're _wrong_ , and too drunk to be told otherwise. We’ll talk about it tomorrow, okay?”

Maggie rolls her eyes. “Fine, let's talk tomorrow,” she says. “Could you get out of my way so I can go?”

“No,” Alex says. “You’re staying here. It’s late and you’re drunk and we’ll talk in the morning.”

Maggie very obviously wants to fight her on this, but she doesn’t. She lets Alex set up a pillow and a blanket on the couch, lets Alex shove a glass of water into her hand.

“You’ll feel better in the morning if you drink it.”

Maggie doesn’t even argue. Alex wants to kiss her again, chews at her own lips instead.

“You need anything else?”

Maggie just looks at her.

“Right,” Alex says. “I’ll see you in the morning. Sleep well.”

Alex walks away. She doesn’t want to, but she walks away from Maggie, leaves her in the living room. Alex closes her bedroom door and climbs back into her bed and stares at the ceiling. She can barely think. She feels like her heart has been on a roller coaster.

Maggie showed up and kissed her. Maggie made her feel worth nothing more than one night, and then Maggie explained. Maggie explained how she wanted to be with Alex. Alex wants, so much, and it turns out that Maggie wants her back?

Before Alex kissed Maggie for the first time, she thought she’d be the one stumbling through the beginnings of their relationship. She hasn’t dated in years, hasn’t wanted to in longer than that. She’s not sure she knows how to be in a relationship, but she knows she wants to be in one with Maggie. And Maggie was so good and soft and _helpful_ , really, in the whole coming out thing, so Alex trusted she could help her maneuver through what it meant to be in a relationship. She never expected Maggie to be the one who felt insecure.

But Alex can help with that, if that’s what she has to do. Maggie is worth it, and Alex will tell her every day if that’s what it takes to convince her of it. Fuck, she’ll tell her every day even if Maggie doesn’t want to date her, because Maggie is good enough, not just for Alex but for anyone, and she should know it.

Alex gets out of bed. She opens her bedroom door as quietly as she can. She just wants to check on Maggie, make sure she’s still here, make sure she doesn’t need anything. She just— Maggie likes her, likes Alex the way Alex likes her, Maggie’s just being stupid about it. And so Alex creeps down the hallway and leans against the wall, looks at Maggie lying on the couch. She doesn’t know if she’s sleeping or not. Probably not— the couch isn’t very comfortable to sleep on.

And then Maggie is sitting up, looking over at her in the dark, and Alex opens her mouth without thinking.

“This is stupid,” she says. “Come sleep next to me.”

Of course Maggie doesn’t move at all. Alex rolls her eyes and explains that she knows the couch isn’t comfortable.

“Just come sleep in the bed. We’re both adults; it’ll be fine.”

She doesn’t know if it will. She doesn’t know if it’s a good idea at all. But Maggie gets up and follows her back to her bedroom.

Alex offers her sweatpants, because she can't be comfortable sleeping in jeans. Maggie stares at her for a moment before answering. Alex tries not to fidget. Maggie’s stares are open and deep, and normally they make Alex feel like Maggie understands her, like she gets her, like everything is going to be okay. Normally Maggie is not in her bedroom and Alex is not basically telling her to take off her pants.

When Maggie takes the sweatpants, Alex lets go of them like she's been burned. She can't think of anything to say, so she just turns around, climbs into the bed. She lies on her side, facing away from Maggie, and tries not to think about what's happening as she listens to the sounds of Maggie changing.

And then Maggie gets into bed with her.

Her bed is a queen. It’s big enough. They’re not touching. Maggie is facing away from her, too. It’ll be fine.

It’ll be fine, Alex will just never be able to fall asleep. How can she, with Maggie right here? Her bed’s big enough that they don’t have to touch, but she _wants to_. She wants to, but she can’t. So she’ll just lie there, like she’s sleeping, even though her body can’t relax with Maggie so close. She forces her breath to go even and steady. Maggie’s doesn’t. Alex breathes slowly and listens to the way Maggie’s breath doesn’t change at all, until eventually Maggie rolls onto her back. Alex quits trying to pretend she’s asleep. She rolls over, not just to her back but all the way over, to her other side, facing Maggie. Maggie’s eyes are open. She’s staring at the ceiling, but when Alex rolls over she looks at her.

“Hi,” Alex says.

Maggie takes a deep breath. Alex tries not to look at her mouth, fails. Maggie rolls toward her. Alex could, if she wanted, lean forward and kiss her, so, so easily. But she wants more. She doesn’t want to give Maggie her one night and then have her leave. She just wants _Maggie_ , and she thinks Maggie wants her, too, thinks they can have each other, if she can just wait until morning and they can talk this out.

“I’m scared,” Maggie says, barely above a whisper.

Alex’s heart clenches. “I get that,” she says. “I do. But I think it might be a little less scary in the morning.”

“I don’t know.”

Alex smiles, because Maggie is so soft, and sweet, and she’s here, in Alex’s bed. “I don’t know either,” Alex says. “But will you stay and see?”

Maggie chews on her top lip, stares at Alex. She nods. Alex’s smile gets a little bigger.

“Okay,” Alex says. “Good night, Maggie.”

Alex forces herself to close her eyes, because she’s pretty sure she could stare at Maggie all night. They’ll wait until the morning, and Maggie will still be there— Alex is a light sleeper, there’s no way Maggie could sneak out, but also: Alex doesn’t think she’ll even try.

Alex isn’t that comfortable on this side, but she doesn’t want to roll away from Maggie.

And then—

Alex jumps, just a little, as Maggie’s hand slides in between hers. Alex’s hands are up by her face, not quite tucked under her chin, and Maggie’s hand is so warm as it slips between them. Maggie interlaces their fingers.

Alex peeks one eye open, but both of Maggie’s are firmly closed. Alex closes hers again. She squeezes Maggie’s hand. Maggie squeezes back.

“Good night, Alex.”

 

 

 


End file.
